Thursday, May 24, 2012

That "Look"

I just read a post from a dear lady I have followed on her blog for some time. She just endured a painful loss of a child. She spoke of seeing that look, if you have experienced a loss of a pregnancy you know what I am saying.

I remember that look the first time I saw it was when I went into the hospital with cramping and spotting one week after seeing the baby on the ultra sound and hearing his heartbeat. It was the ultra sound tech who I first saw with that look, I knew the baby was gone, when she left the room to get "help", sometimes you just know.

All I could was sing praises in the room when she left, while my bottom was propped up on the 3 pillows the tech used to raise my womb, and my back ached from the 45 min scan. I waited in that position while the tech searched~ I would have sat 100 if it meant that I would be mom.

I waited 14 long fruitless years, watching others conceive with ease, I waited patiently and heartbreakingly long.

All I could do was sing, "Blessed me your name, when I walk in the desert place, when I walk thru the wilderness, blessed be your name..." Before the doctor came back wearing that same expression & bearing the news I knew my baby was no longer here.

I felt so broken, so useless after 14 years of believing in the impossible and not backing down from the dream of motherhood I believed that perhaps the long years of waiting allotted us some sort of reprieve from this sort of tragedy.

We said, "See you soon" to my son Ben's remains a few days later. I refused to say goodbye I know the child I held in my heart, held in my womb for those short weeks I would one sweet day hold in my arms. We then said "See you soon" to 2 more sons in 14 short months later.

I identified with her pain, holding on even when your heart is stuck down, & feeling broken, I am so sorry that her family is experiencing this kind of pain.

We did have a successful birth with my now 4 year old daughter after a harrowing pregnancy, we thought we lost her 3 or 4 times. There was a blood clot that developed between her placenta and the womb, the dr gave her 50%. And once the blood clot was healing my rambunctious puppy slammed into my stomach and caused the bleed to start again. I was bed ridden for the first 20 weeks. Then during delivery her heartbeat was lost for 2 & 3 seconds at a time, after it reoccurred the 6 or 7th time they rushed me to the OR and did an emergency C-section she had a knot the size of a tennis ball in her cord and it was wrapped around her head 2 times. The dr said he has only seen one complete knot like she had in her cord in his 30 year experience. Her little head was cone shaped from trying to come out, but every time she tried to descend into the birth canal the knot cut her off.

We weren't going to try to conceive again because of all that drama, we even tried preventing pregnancy. And we learned if God is going to bless you even you cannot stop him, we were pregnant with identical twins by the time Kissi was 18 months old (Does NOT run in the family, and I was NOT taking any fertility herbal remedies or meds!). After seeing the twins within in 4 weeks time the one twin vanished. It took us 4 weeks to come to terms with being pregnant again and with identical twins then we had to come to terms with a single baby.

I can intensify with the roller coaster of emotions and just plain not understanding God at times. That one praise song that says, "Where you lead me Lord I will follow, where lead me Lord I will go..." I at times will look around the sanctuary and just want to ask the congregation..."Really? What if its a place of pain, one that makes no sense and no one can give you comfort, no reasonable explanation can be made? What if hurts to the point your heart feels like it will break from the sadness?" Not said cynically just honestly.

I know we all want to soothe and help ease your sorrow, I wish words could take away all of that sadness for you. If I had a super power that is one I would want.

Your sister in the journey,

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Magical Baby Girl and The Brokenhearted Woman

This is the story I tell my daughter every year about her birth story, the essence of the story is true, my hubby and I waited nearly a decade for the promise of parenthood to be fulfilled. 2 & 1/2 years before Kissi was born we suffered the loss of 3 babies consecutively and the heartache and loss nearly swept us away. It was only the loving hands of our Lord that kept us intact and the lessons we learned during those lean years still aid us in our walk today....

Once upon a time there was a magical baby who was waiting to be born, she was up in heaven where all babies wait for their appointed moment and every day she would ask God the same thing, "Is it my time yet, can I go now?
And everyday, God would reply, "No, not yet my precious one."
At the same time a woman would weep in her prayers and ask God, "When will I be a momma, is it my time yet?"
And God would reply, "No, not yet my precious, there is still work that needs to be done, hold on to my promise and be faithful my daughter."
As time went by the woman would remind herself of God's promise, that When He places promises in His children's hearts He is faithful to fulfill them.  
There were times, when the woman would look at other ladies who had become mothers and stomp her feet, pull at her hair and angrily shout at God, "Look at them! That's NOT fair, their path to motherhood was short, Why do you make ME wait? WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME? ?!"
God calmly said in a firm voice, "My dear child, I am not telling you their story, I am telling you your own. Stay on the path I have lead you on, it's not your time, not yet."
As the days turned into months and months into years, nearly a decade had passed when the woman entered the thrown room and completely laid herself down at the footstool of God, her words were barely audible as she whispered, 
"My God I have been faithful- I have waited with a patience that was grown in my heart all these long years just as a flower waits for the sunshine and the rain. I have loved and hoped when it looked like there would be no chance of return.  3 times I have known life but for a moment, taken crushing blows that would devastate others with no explanation as to why it disappeared. I have believed there was a possibility when all possibilities were improbable. I am not sure how you will fulfill this promise you have placed in my heart to mother, however My Lord if you should tarry much longer I am afraid that I will be in the winter of my life and unable to enjoy your gifts promised to me & my husband. I am still however convinced without a shadow of doubt, that you have placed this desire in my heart to fulfill it, to grow love there, & not to torture me.  Please show me how to live in the promise of today and not live for some unknown tomorrow. Oh God, if now is not the time, please remove this desire from my heart for it has reached it's limit and another loss of life would be more heartache than I can bare."
God lifted the woman up and dried her tears, as He looked at her He lovingly spoke these words to her, 
"My daughter, Why do you hold on to burdens that were never meant for you to bear? I bore them all for you, so you would not have to be burdened. Take up my yoke for it is easy and my burden it is light. Believe in the impossible, love with no hope of return, live in the promise of today, not for some unknown tomorrow, wait with the patience of a flower who longs for the rays of the sun and life giving drops of rain, hold on to the promise of the words I have given you~ this all is a light task, if you allow me to carry the load... My child you all ready possess the hope of a mother, the love of a mother, the patience of a mother, and the belief of a mother...You have labored through all these trials and given birth to all these things when no proof was available... " 
You ARE a motherRight now. Period.
Wait on my time for it is perfect, look expectantly unto me not at the circumstances laid before you. What promises I have placed in your heart I will be faithful to fulfill"
The magical baby entered the throne room not too long after the woman left & as the baby looked up at God with her big brown eyes He had so lovingly hand crafted, He laughed at her tenacity knowing full well what she would ask Him again and bitter-sweetly knowing she would need ever spare ounce of if for the path she would tread in her life. Before one word was uttered, He looked her squarely in the eye, and said, "My child it's your time. Hold on to my promises."
This child of promise- the magical baby, was then knit into the woman's womb who believed so long and waited with a hope that bloomed brighter than the present circumstances.
The magical baby girl's powers began to show when she beat all odds having only a slim chance of being conceived. She came into being with tiny seeds of hope blooming in her chest.

Even though she only had a 50% of making it past the first 12 weeks gestation- she endured with the promise of life inside her, she held on with the patience of a flower.
When her heart rate went to "0" many times during her 19 hour labor and had a mandarin orange size knot in her umbilical cord that was wrapped 2 times around her neck this magical baby girl, warrior princess who made it with the belief of possibilities coursing through her veins- did NOT give up, she held on to hope even at her life's darkest moment.

Though 3 babies were unable to survive, she survived. And doing so broke the curse that shattered her parent's heart and joy rang through the kingdom of Phillipsdom when this sweet baby girl was born on APRIL 24, 2008 @ 12:35am.

This tiny baby girl, so beautiful and so radiant, had power inside of her, the curse of the dark one was no more as she mended the heartbroken couple with just one gaze from her big brown eyes and in that instant turned two people from a couple into a family...

Happy Birthday my magical baby girl!! I can't wait to see the unfolding of all the awesome plans God has in store for you, the many dark places you will make lighter, the dragons you will slay with the mighty sword of truth, the broken hearts you will mend, & the broken gates you will fix with your healing powers from the Balm of Gilead and the living well that never runs dry!!

Mommy Loves You- Sweet Kissi-cat!!