tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86367382884298386332024-02-07T22:02:06.764-08:00De' Momma ChroniclesThe beginning chapters into my own personal "Momma Chronicles" was wrought with 14 years of dysfunctions, false starts, rocky roads, lonliness, & heartbreak- soothed with surprising reprieves that came in the most unexpected times, situations, and places.
I want my blog to be a reflection of finding peace in the journey, beauty in the surrendering of a life to a Creator's plan even when that plan doesn't feel good or make sense.Leesyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04722308606536110469noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8636738288429838633.post-83453002360533298122012-05-24T20:37:00.001-07:002012-05-24T20:37:03.697-07:00That "Look"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I just read a post from a dear lady I have followed on her blog for some time. She just endured a painful loss of a child. She spoke of seeing that look, if you have experienced a loss of a pregnancy you know what I am saying.<br />
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I remember that look the first time I saw it was when I went into the
hospital with cramping and spotting one week after seeing the baby on
the ultra sound and hearing his heartbeat. It was the ultra sound tech
who I first saw with that look, I knew the baby was gone, when she left
the room to get "help", sometimes you just know. <br /><br />All I could was
sing praises in the room when she left, while my bottom was propped up
on the 3 pillows the tech used to raise my womb, and my back ached from
the 45 min scan. I waited in that position while the tech searched~ I
would have sat 100 if it meant that I would be mom. <br /><br />I waited 14 long fruitless years, watching others conceive with ease, I waited patiently and heartbreakingly long.<br /><br />All
I could do was sing, "Blessed me your name, when I walk in the desert
place, when I walk thru the wilderness, blessed be your name..." Before
the doctor came back wearing that same expression & bearing the news
I knew my baby was no longer here.<br /><br />I felt so broken, so useless
after 14 years of believing in the impossible and not backing down from
the dream of motherhood I believed that perhaps the long years of
waiting allotted us some sort of reprieve from this sort of tragedy.<br /><br />We
said, "See you soon" to my son Ben's remains a few days later. I
refused to say goodbye I know the child I held in my heart, held in my
womb for those short weeks I would one sweet day hold in my arms. We
then said "See you soon" to 2 more sons in 14 short months later.<br /><br />I
identified with her pain, holding on even when your heart is stuck down,
& feeling broken, I am so sorry that her family is experiencing this
kind of pain.<br /><br />We did have a successful birth with my now 4 year
old daughter after a harrowing pregnancy, we thought we lost her 3 or 4
times. There was a blood clot that developed between her placenta and
the womb, the dr gave her 50%. And once the blood clot was healing my
rambunctious puppy slammed into my stomach and caused the bleed to start
again. I was bed ridden for the first 20 weeks. Then during delivery
her heartbeat was lost for 2 & 3 seconds at a time, after it
reoccurred the 6 or 7th time they rushed me to the OR and did an
emergency C-section she had a knot the size of a tennis ball in her cord
and it was wrapped around her head 2 times. The dr said he has only
seen one complete knot like she had in her cord in his 30 year
experience. Her little head was cone shaped from trying to come out, but
every time she tried to descend into the birth canal the knot cut her
off. <br /><br />We weren't going to try to conceive again because of all
that drama, we even tried preventing pregnancy. And we learned if God is
going to bless you even you cannot stop him, we were pregnant with
identical twins by the time Kissi was 18 months old (Does NOT run in the
family, and I was NOT taking any fertility herbal remedies or meds!).
After seeing the twins within in 4 weeks time the one twin vanished. It
took us 4 weeks to come to terms with being pregnant again and with
identical twins then we had to come to terms with a single baby.<br /><br />I
can intensify with the roller coaster of emotions and just plain not
understanding God at times. That one praise song that says, "Where you
lead me Lord I will follow, where lead me Lord I will go..." I at times
will look around the sanctuary and just want to ask the
congregation..."Really? What if its a place of pain, one that makes no
sense and no one can give you comfort, no reasonable explanation can be
made? What if hurts to the point your heart feels like it will break
from the sadness?" Not said cynically just honestly.<br /><br />I know we
all want to soothe and help ease your sorrow, I wish words could
take away all of that sadness for you. If I had a super power that is
one I would want.<br />
<br />Your sister in the journey,<br />Leesy</div>Leesyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04722308606536110469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8636738288429838633.post-4197275751530178372012-05-07T08:00:00.001-07:002012-05-07T08:00:16.420-07:00The Magical Baby Girl and The Brokenhearted Woman<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This
is the story I tell my daughter every year about her birth story, the
essence of the story is true, my hubby and I waited nearly a decade for
the promise of parenthood to be fulfilled. 2 & 1/2 years before
Kissi was born we suffered the loss of 3 babies consecutively and the
heartache and loss nearly swept us away. It was only the loving hands of
our Lord that kept us intact and the lessons we learned during those
lean years still aid us in our walk today....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Once
upon a time there was a magical baby who was waiting to be born, she
was up in heaven where all babies wait for their appointed moment and
every day she would ask God the same thing, "Is it my time yet, can I go
now?</span></span></span></div>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">And everyday, God would reply, "No, not yet my precious one."</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">At the same time a woman would weep in her prayers and ask God, "When will I be a momma, is it my time yet?"</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">And
God would reply, "No, not yet my precious, there is still work that
needs to be done, hold on to my promise and be faithful my daughter."</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">As
time went by the woman would remind herself of God's promise, that When
He places promises in His children's hearts He is faithful to fulfill
them. </span></span></h6>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">There
were times, when the woman would look at other ladies who had become
mothers and stomp her feet, pull at her hair and angrily shout at God, "<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Look at them! That's NOT fair, their path to motherhood was short,<b> Why do you make <i>ME</i> wait? <u>WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME</u>? ?!</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;">"</span></span></span></h6>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">God
calmly said in a firm voice, "My dear child, I am not telling you their
story, I am telling you your own. Stay on the path I have lead you on,
it's not your time, not yet."</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">As
the days turned into months and months into years, nearly a decade had
passed when the woman entered the thrown room and completely laid
herself down at the footstool of God, her words were barely audible as
she whispered, </span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">"My
God I have been faithful- I have waited with a patience that was grown
in my heart all these long years just as a flower waits for the sunshine
and the rain. I have loved and hoped when it looked like there would be
no chance of return. 3 times I have known life but for a moment, taken
crushing blows that would devastate others with no explanation as to
why it disappeared. I have believed there was a possibility when all
possibilities were improbable. I am not sure how you will fulfill this
promise you have placed in my heart to mother, however My Lord if you
should tarry much longer I am afraid that I will be in the winter of my
life and unable to enjoy your gifts promised to me & my husband. I
am still however convinced without a shadow of doubt, that you have
placed this desire in my heart to fulfill it, to grow love there, &
not to torture me. Please show me how to live in the promise of today
and not live for some unknown tomorrow. Oh God, if now is not the time,
please remove this desire from my heart for it has reached it's limit
and another loss of life would be more heartache than I can bare."</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">God lifted the woman up and dried her tears, as He looked at her He lovingly spoke these words to her, </span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span style="font-size: large;">"</span>My
daughter, Why do you hold on to burdens that were never meant for you
to bear? I bore them all for you, so you would not have to be burdened.
Take up my yoke for it is easy and my burden it is light. Believe in the
impossible, love with no hope of return, live in the promise of today,
not for some unknown tomorrow, wait with the patience of a flower who
longs for the rays of the sun and life giving drops of rain, hold on to
the promise of the words I have given you~ this all is a light task, if
you allow me to carry the load... My child you all ready possess the
hope of a mother, the love of a mother, the patience of a mother, and
the belief of a mother...You have labored through all these trials and
given birth to all these things when no proof was available... "</span></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"> </span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal; text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">You ARE a mother</span></span></u><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">. <span style="font-size: medium;"><u>Right now</u>. <u>Period</u></span>.</span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Wait
on my time for it is perfect, look expectantly unto me not at the
circumstances laid before you. What promises I have placed in your heart
I will be faithful to fulfill<span style="font-size: medium;">"</span></span></span></h6>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXhwo5kGudztO5yDGkESvM6Du4lKazsamr0mZLwWo9Zwv9xhDr1qzF-70kYw6PzaEAu8-1WW2M-26szEYfN5W7uJnHKKXqjbLLgoYheu6_Mfl6ug8k-n9reXj20e1pEC3fkHRRCLIrBgI/s1600/images-1.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXhwo5kGudztO5yDGkESvM6Du4lKazsamr0mZLwWo9Zwv9xhDr1qzF-70kYw6PzaEAu8-1WW2M-26szEYfN5W7uJnHKKXqjbLLgoYheu6_Mfl6ug8k-n9reXj20e1pEC3fkHRRCLIrBgI/s1600/images-1.jpg" /></a><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">The
magical baby entered the throne room not too long after the woman left
& as the baby looked up at God with her big brown eyes He had so
lovingly hand crafted, He
laughed at her tenacity knowing full well what she would ask Him again
and
bitter-sweetly knowing she would need ever spare ounce of if for the
path she
would tread in her life. Before one word was uttered, He looked her
squarely in the eye, and said, "My child it's your time. Hold on to my
promises."</span></span></h6>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">
</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">This child of promise- the magical baby, was then knit into the woman's womb who believed so long and <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">waited with a hope that bloomed brighter than the present circumstances.</span></span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">The magical baby girl's powers began to show when she beat all odds having only a slim chance of being conceived. She <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">came into
being with tiny seeds of hope blooming in her chest</span>.<br /> <br />
Even though she only had a 50% of making it past the first 12 weeks
gestation- she endured with the promise of life inside her, <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">she held on with the patience of a flower</span><i>.</i></span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">When her heart rate went to "0" many times during her 19 hour
labor and had a mandarin orange size knot in her umbilical cord that was
wrapped 2 times around her neck this magical baby girl, warrior
princess who made it with the belief of possibilities coursing through her veins- <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">did NOT give up, she held on to hope even at her life's darkest moment.</span></span> <br /> <br /> Though 3 babies were unable to
survive, she survived. And doing so broke the curse that shattered her parent's heart and joy rang
through the kingdom of Phillipsdom when this sweet baby girl was born on
APRIL 24, 2008 @ 12:35am.<br /> <br /> This tiny baby girl, so beautiful and so radiant, had power inside of her, the curse of the dark one was no more as she <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">mended
the heartbroken couple with just one gaze from her big brown eyes and
in that instant turned two people from a couple into a family</span>...<br /> <br />
Happy Birthday my magical baby girl!! I can't wait to see the unfolding of all the awesome
plans God has in store for you, the many dark places you will make
lighter, the dragons you will slay with the mighty sword of truth, the
broken hearts you will mend, & the broken gates you will fix with your
healing powers from the Balm of Gilead and the living well that never runs dry!!<br /> <br /> Mommy Loves You- Sweet Kissi-cat!!</span></span></h6>
</div>Leesyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04722308606536110469noreply@blogger.com0