Thursday, May 24, 2012

That "Look"

I just read a post from a dear lady I have followed on her blog for some time. She just endured a painful loss of a child. She spoke of seeing that look, if you have experienced a loss of a pregnancy you know what I am saying.

I remember that look the first time I saw it was when I went into the hospital with cramping and spotting one week after seeing the baby on the ultra sound and hearing his heartbeat. It was the ultra sound tech who I first saw with that look, I knew the baby was gone, when she left the room to get "help", sometimes you just know.

All I could was sing praises in the room when she left, while my bottom was propped up on the 3 pillows the tech used to raise my womb, and my back ached from the 45 min scan. I waited in that position while the tech searched~ I would have sat 100 if it meant that I would be mom.

I waited 14 long fruitless years, watching others conceive with ease, I waited patiently and heartbreakingly long.

All I could do was sing, "Blessed me your name, when I walk in the desert place, when I walk thru the wilderness, blessed be your name..." Before the doctor came back wearing that same expression & bearing the news I knew my baby was no longer here.

I felt so broken, so useless after 14 years of believing in the impossible and not backing down from the dream of motherhood I believed that perhaps the long years of waiting allotted us some sort of reprieve from this sort of tragedy.

We said, "See you soon" to my son Ben's remains a few days later. I refused to say goodbye I know the child I held in my heart, held in my womb for those short weeks I would one sweet day hold in my arms. We then said "See you soon" to 2 more sons in 14 short months later.

I identified with her pain, holding on even when your heart is stuck down, & feeling broken, I am so sorry that her family is experiencing this kind of pain.

We did have a successful birth with my now 4 year old daughter after a harrowing pregnancy, we thought we lost her 3 or 4 times. There was a blood clot that developed between her placenta and the womb, the dr gave her 50%. And once the blood clot was healing my rambunctious puppy slammed into my stomach and caused the bleed to start again. I was bed ridden for the first 20 weeks. Then during delivery her heartbeat was lost for 2 & 3 seconds at a time, after it reoccurred the 6 or 7th time they rushed me to the OR and did an emergency C-section she had a knot the size of a tennis ball in her cord and it was wrapped around her head 2 times. The dr said he has only seen one complete knot like she had in her cord in his 30 year experience. Her little head was cone shaped from trying to come out, but every time she tried to descend into the birth canal the knot cut her off.

We weren't going to try to conceive again because of all that drama, we even tried preventing pregnancy. And we learned if God is going to bless you even you cannot stop him, we were pregnant with identical twins by the time Kissi was 18 months old (Does NOT run in the family, and I was NOT taking any fertility herbal remedies or meds!). After seeing the twins within in 4 weeks time the one twin vanished. It took us 4 weeks to come to terms with being pregnant again and with identical twins then we had to come to terms with a single baby.

I can intensify with the roller coaster of emotions and just plain not understanding God at times. That one praise song that says, "Where you lead me Lord I will follow, where lead me Lord I will go..." I at times will look around the sanctuary and just want to ask the congregation..."Really? What if its a place of pain, one that makes no sense and no one can give you comfort, no reasonable explanation can be made? What if hurts to the point your heart feels like it will break from the sadness?" Not said cynically just honestly.

I know we all want to soothe and help ease your sorrow, I wish words could take away all of that sadness for you. If I had a super power that is one I would want.

Your sister in the journey,

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